Who killed Tom Bombadil?
by Madam Pablova
Summary: Uh..he died and um...we dont know who did it..erm...yet (I am so good at these summaries eh?)
1. The Song and Cheering

Disclaimer: As everyone should know if I owned Lord of the Rings I'd loose it in my "crap bag" my locker or my room (I'm not a very neat person)  
  
Okay here is the story in a sentence so you can either read this or read the entire story (freedom of choice! Isn't it grand?) Alright so the story is like clue but don't worry they don't go running into rooms and stealing each others notes when they go to the bathroom, *grumble, grumble*  
  
So they were all staying in Elrond's The Last Homely House (who would stay in a homely house?) Them all being Sam, Gimili, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Legolas, Aragorn, Gandalf, Tom Bombadil, Boromir and Arwen and Elrond cause y'know they live there.  
  
They were all eating at y'know like a huge table when Tom Bombadil stood up and began singing one of his songs:  
  
Though I'm really old  
  
I haven't turned to mould  
  
I used to be a jock  
  
And a monk who didn't talk  
  
In the future ill be a big purple dinosaur  
  
Named Barney and be beat up in fanfic lore  
  
Now I refer to myself in a third person sense but only in song because that's all I do, I only sing and I'm lucky to be married since I sing to trees and prance through the forest  
  
Now lets repeat the chorus!  
  
Everybody's left eye began to twitch and they all came up with evil schemes to get rid of "Merry old Tom Bombadillio" and his infernal singing.  
  
***  
  
Later that night Tom was singing in his sleep because he's good for nothing else, oh for crying out loud he isn't even good at that but you cant skip over the songs because they repeatedly talk about the songs when they aren't singing.  
  
A shadow loomed over him and then his songs finally stopped! But so did his breathing (a small price to pay) Then the shadow left whistling then said  
  
"Oh for the love of Mother Thatcher! He got that song stuck in my head"  
  
***  
  
But the next morning when a servant who picked the short straw and would rather risk being sung to then possibly seeing Gandalf in the nude *shudders at the thought*  
  
When he went to wake Tom up in his stupid blue coat and yellow boots, he noticed red ink on the sheets and on Tom. He went to clean in up and saw an arrow in Tom's back!  
  
"Silly Tom why did you leave your arrow in your bed?" He said to himself then he realized Tom was Dead!!!!!  
  
"AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" He said screaming like a girl, then he stopped short and did a little victory dance "Never again will the world hear your songs of annoyingness!"  
  
Then the servant in a most responsible manner straightened out and left to go tell Elrond of the death. 


	2. Costumes and Sherlock

Disclaimer: Maybe I do own it…that'd be news to me! Well I'll just hope to dig it up in my back yard. Oh and if I did own it I probably wouldn't be here posting my own little stories about it would I? Same with Clue  
  
Note: This takes place after all the books okay? But I just started the 3rd so some stuff might be wrong and some characters might be dead…I know Boromir is but I brought him back so it might not matter. But I don't even know if Frodo succeeds but I am assuming he does and I'll stop now.  
  
Elrond was at first shocked to hear of the news that our favourite talker- to-trees was dead. Then he did one of those dramatic grieving scenes when you put the back of you hand to your head and stagger around.  
  
"How did this happen?" He asked with a true Shakespearian look of grief.  
  
"All that was found was an arrow, Lord." The servant said cocking an eyebrow at the Lord, who was making a fool of himself.  
  
"Gather up all the guests! We must get to the bottom of this!"  
  
***  
  
So everybody, (well not everyone in like the entire world but y'know Gimli, Legolas, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Boromir, Aragorn, Gandalf, Arwen, Sam, and Elrond) was all gathered in like the council area looking at each other and wondering why they were here.  
  
"My esteemed guests," Elrond said standing up. "Now I'm not saying one of you did and ten of you did not kill Tom Bombadil."  
  
There was a multitude of gasps which Elrond expected because he's read like a million mystery novels and knows there are always a time where everyone gasps amazed (its like the law or something.)  
  
"But one of you did and ten of you did not kill Tom Bombadil!" He yelled trying to be all over powering.  
  
"Um…didn't you just say you wouldn't say that?" Pippin asked with Merry nodding beside him.  
  
Elrond carried on ignoring the comment. "Whoever committed this crime will… be greatly rewarded! And we'll have my daughter's hand in marriage!"  
  
"Hey!" Aragorn and Arwen said in unison, standing up.  
  
"Whoops…I mean they can…have an all the lembas they can eat and a great Volcano side property!"  
  
They all "Ohhed" and "Ahhed" like they were watching one of those lame infomercials.  
  
"Now who did it?" Elrond asked, naturally all the hands shot up.  
  
"Hmm…well I'll have to go over the…clue." He said holding up the arrow.  
  
"See its mine!" Legolas said standing up.  
  
"Not so fast, my good Elf. The arrow was found beside the body and there were many holes in the body, so we have reason to believe Tom Bombadil was stabbed repeatedly with it. Elton said begging to sound like a Sherlock Homes-wannabe.  
  
"Now we will re-enact the crime for I am too lazy to ask everyone of you where you were last night and then double check." (Also this is a Clue parody not a Law & Order Parody)  
  
"Now into costumes!" He said clapping his hands. Servants came in and laid out the costumes on chairs and had each of their names placed on cards under their characters names.  
  
***  
  
Once everyone was in costume they all looked as follows:  
  
Aragorn was wearing a green suit and had his hair combed (for once) and slicked back. His nametag read Mr.Vert.  
  
Arwen was wearing a blue dress and a blue turban with a sapphire broach pinning a blue feather to it. Her nametag read Mrs. Bluejay.  
  
Boromir was wearing a Turquoise suit, much like Aragorn's but he got a hat. His nametag said Dr.Turtle.  
  
Frodo had a potato sack on with the word IDAHO written upside down. His nametag said Mr. Brown.  
  
Sam has a little black and white maid's uniform on he also held a grey feather duster. His nametag said Ms. Snow.  
  
Legolas had on a slinky red dress and high heels. His nametag read Miss. Crimson.  
  
Gimli had an orange suit on too but refused to take off his helmet. His nametag said General Marmalade.  
  
Merry was standing on Pippin's shoulders (costume department ran out) and had a neon pink trench coat on and they kept staggering back and forth. Their nametag read Mr. Fuchsia.  
  
Gandalf had lavender kilt and a purple shirt on. His name said Professor McGrape.  
  
And Elrond was wearing Sherlock Home's robe and slippers and has his pipe in his mouth and a violin under one arm.  
  
"Now we can get down to business." 


	3. Gimli's Costume and Complaints

Disclaimer: Well about 4 years back I was in jail and I had to trade the papers saying I did own Clue and the Lord of the Rings for toilet paper, damn you Bubba! Oh well I'm out (shhhhhh don't tell anyone) and you ain't!  
  
Note: Some stuff is from the books and some is from the movies, but if you've only seen the movie then you wouldn't know who Tom Bombadil is so it's kind of pointless. And anything in brackets is my own thought.  
  
"Why are half of us wearing dresses?" Legolas asked Elrond, obviously not happy about his roll in the re-enactment.  
  
"Miss. Crimson don't get your pretty little head all in a tangle." Aragorn said using the cocky voice he used when he first met the hobbits in the inn.  
  
At this Legolas began to check his hair for any tangle Aragorn was talking about.  
  
"Well I think Master Frodo looks good." Sam said twirling in his dress.  
  
"Well I'm not taking place unless Gimli wears a dress too!" Legolas said crossing his arms.  
  
"What kind of dwarf would I be? Wearing a dress! My friend I would kill a thousand orcs for you but I would not get in a stupid dress for all the mithril in middle-earth." (What would a female dwarf look like?)  
  
"I wore a blind fold for you! Among my own people!" Legolas whined.  
  
"Oh come on daddy make Gimli wear the dress, I'm getting terribly bored." Arwen said filing her nails. "How does Saruman get them so long?"  
  
"Sorry but when you're under the Homely House's roof, you wear the dress."  
  
Gimli looked around trying to find someone to back him up. Frodo was asking Sam where Idaho was, Merry and Pippin were still staggering back and forth, Aragorn was Arwen's little puppet so he'd do whatever she wanted him to, Legolas was still pouting about the dress and how the shoes pinched, Elrond wanted the re-enactment to start, Boromir was deciding on a feather for his hat and Gandalf was bending his knees and commenting how much he liked his kilt and how he might buy one at the Gap in Rohan. (I couldn't resist)  
  
"Fine the sooner we get this started the sooner it gets over with." Gimli grumbled knowing Legolas would probably over-power him with his weird elven strength.  
  
"Follow me Master. Dwarf." A servant said bowing her head.  
  
"Wait he gets another costume and we still have to share?" Merry said, still trying not to fall off of Pippin's shoulders.  
  
"Well I'm going with a colour theme here we can't have two people in orange. "  
  
"But we can have two in pink? What if one of us did it and the other didn't?" Pippin piped up from under the coat.  
  
"Oh come on since you two were separated in Gondor you haven't left each other's sides." Boromir said finally choosing a turquoise feather. (There is a surprise.)  
  
"I think that is sweet." Arwen said flapping her hand in front of her face, trying not to cry. (Crazy, emotional she-elf.)  
  
"Oh come one I don't want to actually have to play this stupid game can't one of us just admit we did it?" Frodo said. (Ekk! Frodo might wreck the story)  
  
"You can't boss us around, you don't have the ring anymore." Boromir reminded him. (Good old Bo-Bo I mean Boromir.)  
  
"And besides I went to all this work. And I have a lot of free time."  
  
Just then shouts were heard from behind a door.  
  
"I'm not going out there." Gimli's voice rang out.  
  
"Please sir, Lord Elrond insists you do." A servant said.  
  
"I look lumpy! I want my armour!"  
  
"I'm sorry Master Dwarf, but in order to find out who brought quiet to Rivendell we must play milord's game."  
  
"Fine! I'm coming in! I'm not even going to tell you not to laugh because it's pointless."  
  
He entered and was wearing a sleeveless dress, which was identical to Legolas' but Gimli's was shorter and was orange. His nametag now read "Lady Custard". He didn't have any high heels on but did have a wrap over his shoulders. He now had an orange bow in his beard and no longer had his helmet on.  
  
As soon as everyone got a good look at him they laughed, chuckled, giggled, snorted, tittered, guffawed, snigger, chortled, cackled and hooted. (That's all my thesaurus would give me.)  
  
"Alright let's actually start this thing." Elrond said as he whipped tears from his eyes.  
  
"Gandalf please place the spell on them."  
  
"What sort of spell?" Sam asked slightly worried.  
  
"Oh just one that'll force you to do everything you did yesterday at the same time, in exactly the same way."  
  
"Couldn't you just like place the spell on dolls or something?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"No!" Was Elrond's curt reply. (Whew, was worried Id have to come up with a reason)  
  
"But why?" Pippin asked. (Fool of a Took)  
  
"It only works on living things." Gandalf explained.  
  
"Alright let's get the show on the road!" Merry said.  
  
And they finally started!  
  
And this time I swear there will be no more delays. 


End file.
